And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
