I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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