I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
