she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
