Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
