a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
