dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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