Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize