I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize