I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
