Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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