I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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