I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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