I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
