85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
