Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The beer is more important than you right now.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
