So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
