Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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