It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize