I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
