I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
COCAINE IS GR8
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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