This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I am naked and annoyed.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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