i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We just shotgunned beers for America
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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