the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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