my phone needs a breathalizer
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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