can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
