i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
