Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
