Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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