He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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