I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
