Midget sex pt 2 tonight
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
