Need sex. Gaining weight.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize