Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
How external is "for external use only"?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
