my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Can't talk, ducks in the car
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
