another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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