The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
