so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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