well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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