im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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