What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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