one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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