Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize