Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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