I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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