my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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