All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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