Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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