OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
