that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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