She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
you never un-have a 4some
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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