Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
