I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
