So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize