saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
