I haven't been this sober since birth.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
